Here they are folks, the GOP superstars, strutting their stuff down the catwalk. Baring their credentials for your discerning critical eye. Let's take a look, shall we?
Mike Huckabee
Huckabee is a Southern Baptist minister born in 1955 who has only married one woman and is still married to her!
He wrote a book on small government, entitled "A Simple Government: Twelve Things We Really Need from Washington (and a Trillion That We Don't)."
At the time of this writing, Huckabee hosts the Fox News Channel talk show that is creatively named “Huckabee.”
On an interview on the Colbert Report, Huck agreed with being a social conservative who boycotted CPAC. He said social conservatives are also fiscal conservatives. Interesting.
Social conservatives disagree with permitting what they see as various moral failings in our society, usually due to a religious belief. So, they want the government to intrude in people's lives and say, “No, you can't do that.” They don't want gays to marry, gays to serve in the military openly, or women to have abortions (even before a fetus is formed). They oppose the legality of pornography, prostitution, polygamy, drugs, and euthanasia. So logically, a fiscal conservative is someone who disagrees with various types of commerce, possibly on moral grounds, and wants such commerce outlawed (for the common good, of course). That sure sounds like it requires a lot of regulation.
However, fiscal conservatism is actually a belief in government staying out of all expressions of capitalist freedoms and of not spending more than you have. Therefore, one would logically think that social conservatism would be a belief in the government staying out of people's private lives and decisions, permitting any freedom so long as they weren't infringing on someone else's freedom. After all, why should the government regulate people's private lives if they're not going to regulate business?
So, Huckabee isn't very good at logic. He's just an emotional heartfelt person; that's all. On the Colbert Report, he certainly seemed like a jovial guy with a sense of humor, kind of like a Republican Santa Claus. He's in a rock band so he must be cool too. However, Southern Baptists are the ones that, in the 80s, protested Dungeons and Dragons for turning kids into devil worshipers. That's like protesting the board game Candy Land because it will turn children into candy. However, Southern Baptists also tend to think rock music is evil so maybe Huckabee has a bit of a liberal streak.
Well, he did famously compare legalizing gay marriage to legalizing drugs, incest, and polygamy.
Huckabee also suggests we isolate the HIV positive from the general public since they are akin to carriers of the plague.
Pros: Seems friendly enough, ChristianCons: Not very good at logic, Social conservatism should win him the Tea Party vote but alienate the Libertarian vote, May have lied about his book containing a trillion things government shouldn't do
Qualifications: Governor of Arkansas, Works for Fox News
Mitt Romney
Romney is a Mormon born in 1947. His first name is Willard which he doesn't use. You'd think the power to control rats would be a plus in politics.
He used to be for abortion rights and gay civil unions. However, now he's not. He signed the Massachusetts health reform law which is for all purposes identical to the Affordable Care Act signed by Obama. However, he opposes the Affordable Care Act. This means he doesn't think the federal government should be able to force you to buy something, but your state government can force you to buy whatever it wants, possibly for no reason.
So, Romney has changed his stance on mostly all social issues. He was for them before he was against them. He also signed into law a hated “Obamacare” bill before Obama did. Though he's now against it, that he was ever for it could be a stumbling block. The Republicans hate their ideas once the Democrats starting using them.
So, is he a social conservative or not? Mormons certainly are supposed to be. That he supported gay civil unions in order to prevent gay marriage may not fly with the “gay people touching each other is icky” crowd. He certainly doesn't seem like a fiscal conservative given that he supported health care regulation.
There's also the problem that he successfully worked with Democrats in Massachusetts to get legislation passed. The current speaker of the House John Boehner can't even say the word “compromise.” Compromise isn't the “in” word right now.
And of course, Republicans are wary of non-Christians and non-traditional Christians.
Pros: Has all his hair.
Cons: Flip-flopper, Created Obamacare before Obama did, Magic underwear?, Not a Fox News employee
Qualifications: Governor of Massachusetts
Sarah Palin
Sarah Palin is a hot babe born in 1964 who bears quite the similarity to someone named Lisa Ann (yeah, you probably don't want to Google her at work). She loves wolves and the Wasilla Assembly of God Pentecostal church. Palin is still married to her first husband.
She has been fully protected from witches by a blessing from Thomas Muthee. When not speaking in tongues, preparing for the rapture, or challenging evolution, Palin enjoys appreciating wildlife through the scope of a rifle while in a helicopter.
She was also Governor of Alaska which has about 5 people in it, right? Most communities that need organizing have more people in it than Alaska. It must not have needed much organizing because she quit her governorship before finishing. Well, one can make more money promoting a book, speaking at engagements, and being a media darling (in the laughing at you, not with you, way).
Palin has been a Fox News guest commentator (on the Glenn Beck show), a reality TV star, and had a 20-year old kid sentenced to a year in prison (not the 20 she was going for) for looking at her e-mail.
Still, she's religious, conservative, and wants to cut taxes. That she has no plan besides cutting taxes isn't that important. It's a great catch-phrase and worsening the government's ability to pay for things usually solves everything.
However, her biggest advantage is that so many people view her as a down-homey mama grizzly.
Pros: Able to maul the face off a camper, Christian
Cons: Her frequent incorrect statements, Being a quitter, Appearing to be batshit fucking insane
Qualifications: Avid book promoter, Reality TV star, Has had several books written for her, Has worked for Fox News
Newt Gingrich
Newton Leroy Gingrich (born 1943) is a former House Speaker from Pennsylvania. He's a Roman Catholic who enjoys reviewing military history books and spy novels on Amazon.
Capable of both reading and writing, Gingrich is a prolific author. Despite his love of animals and dinosaurs, he has written no books about them. This shows that, like a good Catholic, he is into denying himself pleasure.
Gingrich has been married three times. He cheated on his first two wives. Please ignore any previous statements about him denying himself pleasure. He left his first wife when she got cancer. Cancer is just no fun at all. While still married to his second wife, Gingrich was banging some hussy as he led the impeachment effort on Bill Clinton (whose crime was denying that a blowjob was sex).
He has a good conservative track record. He helped pass legislation that reformed welfare and balanced the budget. He also oversaw passage of the Congressional Accountability Act of 1995 that reduced the number of laws members of Congress can ignore.
Gingrich is largely responsible for the government shutdown of 1995. He claimed it was over a fight to slow government spending; however, support for his effort failed when evidence began to surface that it was payback for a personal snub he'd received. Evidence now shows that the government shutdown cost the government money. Among other things, revenue was lost from an estimated 7 million people who would have visited national parks and museums. It was estimated that the shutdown cost taxpayers $700 to $800 million.
He has the honor of the being the first House Speaker to be disciplined for an ethics violation. Eighty-four ethics charges were thrown at him, but only one stuck. I hate to think why it was sticky.
After his job as speaker, Gingrich has frequently appeared as a special guest star on numerous Fox News programs. He has hosted various specials for Fox News and is listed as a special contributor.
Pros: Name recognition, Christian
Cons: Adulterer, Ethics violator, Hypocrite
Qualifications: Former House Speaker, Worked for Fox News
Tim Pawlenty
Timothy James Pawlenty (born 1960) is the former two-time Governor of Minnesota. He's a Baptist and is still married to his first wife.
As Governor, he didn't raise taxes, but he did raise fees. He managed to balance the state deficit by slashing social services, showing he protects the money of the rich at the cost of the less fortunate as a Republican should.
Pawlenty signed a bill that raised the minimum ethanol in gasoline to 20%. Most cars are only designed to safely handle 15% ethanol. This shows a strong disdain for science which is good because only 6% of scientists are Republican.
He showed extreme disdain toward his state's legislative branch when they told him he overreached with his powers. This shows he dislikes big government.
He tried hard, but failed, to reinstate an education requirement system, Profiles of Learning, which had previously failed and been repealed. This shows he is tenacious as a leader should be.
To regain some conservative cred, Pawlenty turned down federal funds to implement the new Affordable Care Act. However, he accepted $500,000 in federal funds for abstinence-only sex education to help more youths experience the joy of unexpected pregnancy. This shows he cares about the youth.
He abandoned Minnesota, leaving it with a $6.2 billion deficit and record high taxes.
Pawlenty has already started making campaign promises, such as, if elected, he will reinstate Don't Ask, Don't Tell. He supports raising the retirement age of the middle-class because the life expectancy of the rich has increased.
He also really enjoys shutting down the government and looks forward to doing it again.
On the case of collective bargaining, he sides with Governor Scott Walker by stating that the need and argument for unions, “does not apply to public employment.”
Pros: Christian, Opposes legislation that furthers or protects gay rights or worker's rights
Cons: Left his state with a high deficit and high taxes, Doesn't work for Fox News
Qualifications: Governor of Minnesota, Never shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
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